Before Whoopi Goldberg there was Rosie O’Donnell, and before Rosie O’Donnell there was Star Jones - we don’t know who she is, but she sure is angry.

Star Jones used to be a panellist on The View but, from what we’ve gathered, she left the show under a cloud a few years ago because nobody really liked how morbidly chub-faced she was. But some time has passed since Star Jones left The View, enough time for everything to blow over and heal the cracks in her broken heart.

That’s why, over two entire years since she left The View, Star Jones has decided to come forward and describe everyone on the show as ‘hateful’ and make all kinds of froth-mouthed claims about how she was set up. It’s exciting stuff, so just imagine how much more exciting it’d be if we knew or cared who Star Jones actually was.

The tone of The View is largely dictated by the woman sitting on the left hand side of the screen. When Rosie O’Donnell occupied that spot, watching an episode of The View was a little like spending an hour sitting in a burning rape alarm factory. And now that Whoopi Goldberg is in her place, the tone is just as laid-back and reflective as you’d expected from a show moderated by the Jesus alien from Star Trek: The Next Generation.

But before either of those two, that position belonged to Star Jones, a woman presumably named after the fact she was as large as a massive luminous ball of plasma. A lawyer, Star Jones was a member of The View’s panel for nine years, but apparently alienated viewers because it was claimed that she exploited her fame by getting companies to work on her wedding for free in return for on-air endorsements by Star Jones. Also, she had a gastric band and didn’t tell anyone. Also, she got married to an effete man. Unforgivable, the lot of them.

And so Star Jones’ contract wasn’t renewed. But that was way back in 2006, and nobody can hold a grudge for that long, right?

Apparently Star Jones can. Speaking to Essence magazine this month, Star Jones goes on a one-woman rampage against her former View co-stars that would be absolutely shocking if we a) knew who Star Jones was, b) watched The View, c) cared about any of this or d) couldn’t instantly think of 10,000 things that are more important than a skinny fat woman bleating on about something that only she has any interest in. MSNBC reports:

“Star is back,” she told Essence magazine in the November issue. “I have now proven to myself that whatever life throws at me, I can catch it and I can throw it right back. I’m confident again.”… “Those girls were hateful,” Star said of the “View” cohorts. “I ate the whole time,” she revealed. “I ate in my room alone. And I got fatter and fatter.”

But, like the woman herself said, Star is back. We genuinely have no idea what that means, because Star Jones could spend an hour jumping around in front of us telling us again and again what her name is, we still wouldn’t have any idea who she flipping was.

Still, though, managing to realise that Elisabeth Hasselbeck is hateful - this Star Jones woman clearly deserves some sort of medal for observation.
Buzz up!